baby!

so my sister is pregnant.. and I'm thinking of baby names

boys:
Justin
Joshua/Josh
Jake/Jacob
Jared
Aiden
Malachi

Girls:
Keiran
Cailen
Sarya

wow, I really do like wierd girl names :oD

tattoos

so I've decided I want some. I've wanted some for a while, but now that I know I'll be making some money once I'm out of school, I can actually start thinking about what I want, the symbolism of it, and where on my body I'd like to get them.

there will be lots of pictures in this entry.. :oD

this is the goddess symbol. I have always believed very strongly that in every woman there is a goddess. women are amazing creatures.. we can endure so much, and always bounce back to some extent. and in the center moon, a celtic love knot. showing enduring, and unconditional love
these would be just like a knecklace just below my collarbones, and held in place by a chain of vines... I need to draw all these together to give you the gist of it... but there are three very meaningful symbols to me all in one design.

the second tattoo I want is a fairly large one, spanning from my left hip to my left ankle. the right side of your body is related to masculine/physical energies and the left side related to the feminine/emotional energies. this is a very feminine tattoo, and comes from the very emotional part of me. there is nothing masculine about it, so I chose the left side of my body.

It will be vines, starting their growth from my ankle, entwined in the vines will be the names of all those people who have shaped my life for the better. my family (some of them anyway), my friends, my passed loved ones, my animals. as more people come into my life, my tattoo will grow to include more vines, and more names. and a flower, or thorn for major events in my life. depending on whether they are good or bad. This tattoo is going to be extremely important to me, its a piece of artwork that I have been working on for the past decade or so, and to have it be a permanent part of my body is special to me.
I like these vines. lacking in the thorns and blood though. I like the way they are tight knit and realistic.

two pieces of art, with very close to my heart meanings. now, to find an artist that can actually do them.

I've also been reading about ailments, and what they could possibly mean. my wrist, and shoulder:

Let's say you have problems with carpal tunnel in your right hand. When the carpal tunnel becomes inflamed it tightens around the nerves in your hand. Causing a tingling in the thumb, index and middle fingers. Because it's on the right side, we can point to an issue you're having with a male figure in your life. Or with the physical things that are occurring within a situation you're involved in. We can see how the tightening can seem like you're being squeezed unfairly or unjustly.

From here no book can give you an answer. You need to look at the situations in your life and determine what the situation could be. Are you treating yourself fairly, or are you involved in a situation involving a male person where you feel they are creating or involved in an unjust situation.

and my shoulder:

Let's say you have tightness in your shoulders continuously, day in and day out. Define for yourself what do your shoulders do? What function to they perform? They carry things, they carry the heavy burdens, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. In this example, we're not talking about the left or right side, but both. So how does that correspond to situations? Well, you still have a right and left shoulder. So in this case, we're talking about how you feel you're carrying the load both emotionally and doing all the things life requires you to do physically. This could mean you're responsible for always carrying for the kids, the house, the chores of the house, cooking, grocery shopping and so on. Having no down time for yourself. This can be overwhelming and can often make you feel like you have no emotional support at home for all the things you're doing either.

Spirituality and my faith.

I have always referred to myself as atheist. I do not believe in one true God. I don't believe the story or adam and eve, or the garden of eden. I don't believe in a vengeful God, or one that would punish His children, should they go astray. and here is my explanation for that.

 I watch over people. I try to do right by everyone. I refuse to believe that any parent...God or otherwise, would purposefully damn their child/ren to an eternity of suffering. Hence my disbelief in any sort of hell, or limbo-esque place. Heaven, would only exist if a hell existed, seeing as there is no need to reward if you do not punish. this is why I believe in reincarnation of some sort, in some sense. I believe that all animals are around after they pass away, as are people.

I believe very strongly that we are not watched over by any one being, but that spirits, or thoughts, carry over after a loved one passes, to support and guide in times of need.

Neo-paganism seems to the be the "religion" that best suits my beliefs. it is the only religion that does not have a set guide to follow for your life. it is very simple in that you must do right by others to have others do right by you. if you are a "bad" person, and you hurt people, you will get hurt. Karma I suppose. but an argument for that point would very easily be "bad things happen to good people as well". I'm a good person, now. I am still paying for my past, and probably will continue to do so until the day I die. karma is not for any one person. we are constantly breathing in pollution, just as we take in bad thoughts... it's hard to explain I guess. we feed on each other's karma, not just our own.

I love the term "blessed be". it's a non-preachy version of "God bless you". blessed be means very simply, be well. may you have good fortune, and may good thoughts stay with you.

I'm not intending to be preachy.. but I have never once felt as though any faith suited me. and the more I read, the more I agree. neo-paganism can suit just about any belief that is not in any other religion. *shrug*. does that make me a pagan? is it that easy?

Paganism, and faith in general.

so, been reading. The term, pagan, is derived from the Latin word, paganus, which means a country dweller. okies, I'm hooked.

Reincarnation (rebirth of the body into another bodily form) was believed by the people, but they did not believe in the existence of heaven and hell.

Today, Paganism (neo-paganism) celebrates the Earth, living creatures, nature, and so on. Most modern-day pagans believe in more than one god, while others are atheistic.... okies, more hooked.

the book I was reading goes on to explain the major differences between christianity and (neo)paganism. including: Biblical Christianity teaches that the Bible contains God’s words and message to mankind. It is infallible and inerrant. Paganism does not have one main religious text or set of beliefs to follow.

That is the major thing that I love about paganism. I have never believed in the bible. how could God, a supposedly perfect being, create anything so full of contradictions? I don't believe in god, and if I do, I believe in many gods. mother earth, gods and goddesses of nature, love, fertility...

paganism and wiccan traditions don't go hand in hand. Shug was a pagan, but only windy practiced any wicca.. I'm not so sure I believe in wicca. I do believe in the karma aspect, but I don't believe in the whole magick thing. moving stuff with your mind being a learnable ability and stuff like that. this is actually some pretty interesting stuff, and if nothing else.. it's keeping my mind off the stuff that's really bugging me lately

you sitting down?

this is gonna be a long one. I just had a HUGE long discussion with my parents (well mostly my mother, daddy doesn't have much of an opinion) and my sister in law .. it's nice to have someone on my side for once.

now, I brought up the fact that I want to home school my children (once they exist of course). my mother added in a barrage of "why" type questions, and I answered all in a well thought out answer. I went through hell in school. I was called a racist for holding my nose on garbage day in china town. i was with two other girls, one was asian, one was black.. all three of us held our noses because it reeked of rotting fish heads. it was a field trip to chinatown for chinese new year celebrations. now the thing is, we were all called racists EXCEPT for the chinese girl. what kind of lesson is that to teach second graders?! my mother fought it of course, calling it ridiculous, but she didn't win. for the whole celebration lunch, Josey and myself got to watch the other children celebrate from the corner. to this day, I still wonder if it was indeed racist of me. all my friends are white.... *sigh*

all through elementary school I was picked on. every recess/lunch hour, I would hide underneath the stairs on the east wing and barely move for fear of that dreaded group of girls. they would beat me up at every opportunity. they would call me names, and rip my clothes. steal my things, and basically just terrorize me with everything they had. they destroyed me completely. these are the same girls that stayed in all my classes until grade 8. it was insane.

once, my mother wrote a note to my teacher about these girls picking on me. the teacher left the note on his desk, in full view of the class.. and one of the girls (the "ringleader" I suppose) found it. she made copies. I was humiliated, and had that stupid letter held over my head for years.

I had a teacher who once forced a girl in my class to eat glue, because she had spilled some on a desk. he kicked a table into another girl one time...don't even remember why. he was arrested about three years later on child pornography charges. nice grade 3 teacher huh.

in grades 6-8, my art teacher would sit the slutty girls right in front of his desk. those girls always got the best grades. he was "relieved from duty" the year I left that school because of all the complaints.

in grades 2-4, I had the same teacher (the same one who considered me a racist), she was a horrible woman. she liked to think that she was god in her classroom.

I *never* want my children to have any of those experiences. I never want them to be told that they're stupid, or worthless, or anything like that. I never want them bullied, or picked on. I never EVER want my children to avoid asking questions for fear of being judged. i will home school my children, and I will involved them in extra-curricular activities at every opportunity. I will treat my children as though they are capable young beings, that will grow and learn as they age. like they will be whatever they want to be, with absolutely no qualms about impressing anyone.

I will tell them often that they are intelligent, caring, lovable individuals.. and I will NEVER let them believe that they are inferior to anyone else. I would die before my children have to go through any of the shit that I did.

my mother ended up sobbing, she blames herself. I have never had a heart to heart with her, but this actually shed some light on how we feel about each other. she said that she feels as though she failed me. and that she was too preoccupied with everything else to pay attention. she feels like she should have known. I never told her...but the school should have. I should never have been treated like that. the public school system sucks. thirty children to one teacher, who is so stressed out she can barely think. children deserve better. My children will *have* better.

it sparked a huge discussion about socializing, and proper development of children. my children will probably have the same anxiety as me, but I will treat them no different, and they will learn about anxiety, and ways to deal with it from a very young age. my mother was under the impression that ignoring it makes it go away... that didn't work for me, so I'll try something different. I don't want my children to feel afraid. part of my anxiety stems directly from my school age experiences. my children won't have those experiences.

period.

April 26th, 2007 (again)

so, things I love about people got me to thinking about things I love about life, living in general, the world.

1)hard rain on a hot night. standing right in the thick of it and not giving a shit about how wet I get.
2)wet sand between my toes
3)the sound of rain on a tent
4)campfires
5)laughing, not just a giggle. full out can't-breathe-it-hurts laughing.
6)lying down and staring at the stars
7)the wind on my face
8)knowing wtf I'm doing...in any situation.
9)good friends. the kind you can tell anything to and they won't recoil in disgust.
10) love. be it fleeting or lasting, friendship or relationship.
11) hot tea on a cold day, when you're so cold you can track it all the way down when you swallow
12)waking up in the morning, feeling very warm, with a cold nose. cold nose weather is my fave.
13)the colour purple. everything just seems more pleasant when it's purple.
14)having a good hard cry when you don't *need* to. it's refreshing.
15)a lilac tree the morning after the years first snowfall. before it starts melting and/or starts getting knocked around. so every branch is coated.
16)getting dirty without thinking about doing laundry
17)reading by flashlight
18)a quiet beach, with hard waves and a loved one.
19)feeling sexy... hasn't happened in a while, but it rocks when it does.
20)being able to help/care for people.
21)removing a splinter, it's a weird sense of achievement when you beat that tiny piece of wood/metal/glass. take THAT splintabitch!
23)hot tubs in snow.
24)spacious rooms, where if it's quiet enough, your footsteps echo just slightly.
25)a child's laughter. not the creepy kind, but the peek-a-boo giggle.
26)driving long distances.
27)sitting in the country. where the stars are bright, and there are no sirens
28)my cat's purr. no matter my mood, if he purrs in my ear, I'll smile.
29)sitting on the dock at the cottage with a vodka cooler, a pack of smokes, and a good novel
30)a reallllly good home-made chicken noodle soup.
31)brownies. not eating them, but making them.
32)the smell of the air after a hard rain
33)a full moon. where you don't need any source of light and the whole world is lit anyway.
34)seeing a friend and having their eyes light up because they missed me.
35)being appreciated.
36)a good horror flick
37)dark movie theatres
38)the dark in general. I much prefer to sit in the dark than have a light on.
39)touching. I'm very touch oriented. holding hands, a kiss, a hug.. to be in someone's arms.
40)waking up and having nothing hurt... god I miss that feeling.
41)walking in heels
42)kittens, puppies, children. innocence at it's best.
43)a hot bath, as long as I can take it.
44)a kiss on my neck, nothing can beat that.
45) feeling wanted/needed.
46)stretching...especially my legs.
47)a cold day with a bright sun. no burning.. just warmth on my bare skin.
48)the smell of pine in the morning to accompany my coffee. real pine.. no artificial scents for this chicky.
49)wearing no makeup and not having to worry about running into people I know. god i miss the cottage.
51)good programming on tv. I hate when there's nothing to watch.
52) a good joke, and someone with a sense of humour that can handle mine.
53)the smell of leather.
54)shy smiles
55)kind eyes
56)knowing I can count on someone when I need them.
57)selfless acts
58)supportive people...I need to have them in my life.
59)people who don't judge me.

there are more I'm sure. but I'll just assume that the reader(s) are bored of my list :oP