Bear was here all weekend, and I basically slept through it. I've been so tired, and so sick, and so sore... that I just needed it so badly. but at the same time, I felt hot... so.... hot. ugh. like every time my skin came in contact with anything, I was so uncomfortable. I hope bear realizes that I need air conditioning to live. lol.
I feel so useless. I wanted to do something for him... anything... and I think I just made his weekend suck. next weekend will be better..
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
London...
So I'm in London with Bear... I feel sorta weird right now. I'm having a great time.. I love waking up with him.. and going to sleep with him.. I love laying in his arms... I love everything about him... but right now..? ugh.. I snooped. I really shouldn't, especially when he's not here to make me feel better. I found letters from.. her. were they ever together? he wrote her poems.. did he speak to her like he speaks to me? did he have plans? hopes? dreams? with her in them? I've never felt like this before... I don't want to be just a replacement.. I wanted to be something different.. something special.. am I?
she brightens up his days... I thought I did...how long ago was she? this is so dumb.. sitting in his room... watching his tv.. laying in his bed... yet I'm worried about her... over the summer... she'll be there won't she...
no wonder he's worried about summer...
she brightens up his days... I thought I did...how long ago was she? this is so dumb.. sitting in his room... watching his tv.. laying in his bed... yet I'm worried about her... over the summer... she'll be there won't she...
no wonder he's worried about summer...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
study? why study when you can make out?! *heart*
I just wrote that exam that you *cough* helped... me study for. I think I did really well! we had three hours to write it and I was done in forty minutes. GO ME!
I usually write tests really quickly cause I read fast, and I write fast. It’s now 10:20 and no one else is even done yet.. haha... suckers!
I’ve decided to be a loner here. I hate all the drama here and frankly, I don’t give a shit if people here like me, so why bother trying to be friends with them? I get more work done if I don’t socialize at lunch anyway.
I’m so glad you came to see me last night. Makes missing you hurt a little less. I daydreamed so much last night I think I’m going to write a story about a day in the life of us and try to give you an idea of what I daydream about. It’s the little silly things that everyone takes for granted. Walking the door and seeing your shoes there... watching tv all snuggled up with you... grocery shopping with you... doing dishes with you... being able to sign a Christmas or birthday card “from [Pyra] and [Bear]” ... hmm. what else?
Just all those little things that people take for granted because they do it all the time. that’s all I want to be able to do with you. I just want to have a life with you. to go pick out bed sheets... or dishes... to discuss buying an appliance... god it’s so sad the things I dream of. I just love you so much, and I want to be with you forever.
Every time I try to think about anything good though, I start thinking about all that I was telling you about before. I’ve been hurt so much, that it’s just so hard for me to believe you’re for real. I think I’m starting to believe it... but it’s so scary. If I just let go, and let you in completely... how badly will I get hurt? I KNOW it’s irrational, and I understand it’s silly of me to think like this.. but I feel the need to keep myself somewhat guarded... at this point... I think that if you turned out to be hurtful and cruel.... it would literally kill me. I feel like my heart is going to explode sometimes because I just feel so strongly about you. I know we spoke about it, and you tried to reassure me.. it worked.. somewhat. when I’m with you, I feel so secure with you, and so absolutely positively sure of your feelings for me... but when you’re not, I start doubting myself.
I’m so used to being stepped on.. being used... being thrown away. basically, I’m used to being thought of as trash. I’m expendable and have always been treated as such. it’s sad really, that I’m so used to being hurt that I CAN’T expect differently. I’m trying.. so hard.. .but so far it’s not working.
I love that my family loves you, and The Kid adores you. you get to watch the new baby grow up too :o) hopefully.
I’m so torn, between hoping for the best, and expecting the worst. isn’t that the way to stop yourself from being disappointed. I guess that’s what I’m doing... just trying not to be disappointed. I love you so much baby.. and I am trying to let go and just let myself be loved.. but it’s so hard!
Everyone in my class is so materialistic .. it really really bothers me. I was telling my friend Claudia about you.. and how you came to see me, and then someone piped up “ooo what’d he bring you??” I just stared at her for a second and then said “himself... he’s all I need” .. she remarked “well isn’t that cute... gag. so he’s a poor bastard huh *laugh*” I wanted to slap her. why do people think that someone with money is so much more worthy? why is our relationship any less valid because you don’t buy me tons of presents? why do I have to adorn myself in jewellery in order to show the world that I am loved? personally, I think the constant smile on my face and the little flutter my heart does every time I think of you is quite enough to show the world that I’m loved. but even that doesn’t matter. I don’t care if the world knows that I’m loved. *I* know that I’m loved. if you loved me, and bought me things.. would that mean you love me even more? no. material possessions are just that... material possessions. They don’t last a lifetime. they can be stolen, or taken away. They can be broken, mistreated, and worst of all we can become disinterested in them. True love isn’t like that. True love can’t be broken, stolen, or taken away. It can’t be mistreated, as true love is an unmistakable bond.. to both parties, and neither would ever mistreat it. True love is lasting, through hard times, and good. True love is the strongest, most valuable feeling that one can have. True love is what every great story has in the underlying theme, or in most cases, up front and center. I found mine. I’m still amazed that I found you. I always knew you existed, and I’ve dreamt of you my whole life, but I never in a million years thought that I would actually find you, but I have.. and I’ll be damned if I let you go without a fight.
<3
I usually write tests really quickly cause I read fast, and I write fast. It’s now 10:20 and no one else is even done yet.. haha... suckers!
I’ve decided to be a loner here. I hate all the drama here and frankly, I don’t give a shit if people here like me, so why bother trying to be friends with them? I get more work done if I don’t socialize at lunch anyway.
I’m so glad you came to see me last night. Makes missing you hurt a little less. I daydreamed so much last night I think I’m going to write a story about a day in the life of us and try to give you an idea of what I daydream about. It’s the little silly things that everyone takes for granted. Walking the door and seeing your shoes there... watching tv all snuggled up with you... grocery shopping with you... doing dishes with you... being able to sign a Christmas or birthday card “from [Pyra] and [Bear]” ... hmm. what else?
Just all those little things that people take for granted because they do it all the time. that’s all I want to be able to do with you. I just want to have a life with you. to go pick out bed sheets... or dishes... to discuss buying an appliance... god it’s so sad the things I dream of. I just love you so much, and I want to be with you forever.
Every time I try to think about anything good though, I start thinking about all that I was telling you about before. I’ve been hurt so much, that it’s just so hard for me to believe you’re for real. I think I’m starting to believe it... but it’s so scary. If I just let go, and let you in completely... how badly will I get hurt? I KNOW it’s irrational, and I understand it’s silly of me to think like this.. but I feel the need to keep myself somewhat guarded... at this point... I think that if you turned out to be hurtful and cruel.... it would literally kill me. I feel like my heart is going to explode sometimes because I just feel so strongly about you. I know we spoke about it, and you tried to reassure me.. it worked.. somewhat. when I’m with you, I feel so secure with you, and so absolutely positively sure of your feelings for me... but when you’re not, I start doubting myself.
I’m so used to being stepped on.. being used... being thrown away. basically, I’m used to being thought of as trash. I’m expendable and have always been treated as such. it’s sad really, that I’m so used to being hurt that I CAN’T expect differently. I’m trying.. so hard.. .but so far it’s not working.
I love that my family loves you, and The Kid adores you. you get to watch the new baby grow up too :o) hopefully.
I’m so torn, between hoping for the best, and expecting the worst. isn’t that the way to stop yourself from being disappointed. I guess that’s what I’m doing... just trying not to be disappointed. I love you so much baby.. and I am trying to let go and just let myself be loved.. but it’s so hard!
Everyone in my class is so materialistic .. it really really bothers me. I was telling my friend Claudia about you.. and how you came to see me, and then someone piped up “ooo what’d he bring you??” I just stared at her for a second and then said “himself... he’s all I need” .. she remarked “well isn’t that cute... gag. so he’s a poor bastard huh *laugh*” I wanted to slap her. why do people think that someone with money is so much more worthy? why is our relationship any less valid because you don’t buy me tons of presents? why do I have to adorn myself in jewellery in order to show the world that I am loved? personally, I think the constant smile on my face and the little flutter my heart does every time I think of you is quite enough to show the world that I’m loved. but even that doesn’t matter. I don’t care if the world knows that I’m loved. *I* know that I’m loved. if you loved me, and bought me things.. would that mean you love me even more? no. material possessions are just that... material possessions. They don’t last a lifetime. they can be stolen, or taken away. They can be broken, mistreated, and worst of all we can become disinterested in them. True love isn’t like that. True love can’t be broken, stolen, or taken away. It can’t be mistreated, as true love is an unmistakable bond.. to both parties, and neither would ever mistreat it. True love is lasting, through hard times, and good. True love is the strongest, most valuable feeling that one can have. True love is what every great story has in the underlying theme, or in most cases, up front and center. I found mine. I’m still amazed that I found you. I always knew you existed, and I’ve dreamt of you my whole life, but I never in a million years thought that I would actually find you, but I have.. and I’ll be damned if I let you go without a fight.
<3
Sunday, March 2, 2008
hrm..
so I was writing an essay about my perfect society... it was going really well until I sorta blacked out and came to about ten minutes later... talk about auto-pilot (<3)>.>, and bedroom with my queen sized bed and poofy sheets... a desk with our computers set up so we can kiss each other while typing *kiss* to each other. (holy shit.. if that's not a geek's dream I dunno what is). Pictures of our families on the walls.
He is the love of my life. Never have I been so sure about anything in my life.. and he seems to feel the same way. Honestly... I don't know what I'd do if he changed his mind about me.. I'd be crushed... but it feels different. I'm not scared about losing him every second of the day.. I actually believe him when he talks about forever...
forever...
I said in a previous entry that there is no such thing...
I've since changed my mind.
with a smile he warms my soul, his soul.
My other half, reunited again
his eyes like liquid chocolate burn into mine
and for the first time in my life I'm not afraid to let go
free falling and loving it
this is my fairy tale
my happily ever after
my heart beats for him who until now
I thought was only a dream
something in my head that was too amazing to be real
I found him, and I will love him.. until forever.
He is the love of my life. Never have I been so sure about anything in my life.. and he seems to feel the same way. Honestly... I don't know what I'd do if he changed his mind about me.. I'd be crushed... but it feels different. I'm not scared about losing him every second of the day.. I actually believe him when he talks about forever...
forever...
I said in a previous entry that there is no such thing...
I've since changed my mind.
with a smile he warms my soul, his soul.
My other half, reunited again
his eyes like liquid chocolate burn into mine
and for the first time in my life I'm not afraid to let go
free falling and loving it
this is my fairy tale
my happily ever after
my heart beats for him who until now
I thought was only a dream
something in my head that was too amazing to be real
I found him, and I will love him.. until forever.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Pyra musing...
So now i’m bringing my laptop to school again. makes taking notes a hell of a lot easier, a bit more organized, and means that I can blog/write assignments for other classes during “down time”. Right now I’m just sitting in a lecture and being sort of bored. I absolutely despise some of my classes, it seems very silly and common sense to me.. I understand that it is stuff that I need to know for my chosen career, but at the same time, it’s stuff that if you having survived in society thus far.. they really should choose a different field of work.
I was thinking that maybe, instead of writing letters to Bear, I’ll just blog here... it’s pretty much the same thoughts, and I can take notes efficiently while I blog..whereas I can’t when I’m writing on paper.
so, about Bear.. I met him on Friday for our date (I LOVE that he considers cuddling on the couch and watching a movie, a date). it was amazing... I had a hard time believing he was actually there, and when it finally felt real.. he was going to be leaving soon. I wish I had more time with him.. like... all my time.
I have never felt like something was so ... right! before. usually when getting into any sort of relationship, hell, even friendship. I have to sit around and think about all the things I have to give up for that person. this time, I don’t care. I honestly don’t care what I have to give up for him... I’d give up anything for him.
I’m dreading telling Ty that I’m actually dating him... I don’t want to lose the friendship.. I’m scared to death to lose the friendship... he’s been part of my life for so long... but he’s never really (really!) seen me with someone else. I’m just very very scared. I mean... I don’t think that’s what will happen. Ty will be able to accept it... although it may be difficult. I mean, we broke up a long time ago, and now he’s still claiming some sort of power over my life. The ONLY reason that I don’t want to just flat out tell him, is because I know for a fact that he’s going to bring up the trip to London... he did drive me there to pick Bear up, but honestly, it wasn’t my intention at that time to get together with him. I liked him.. but friendship was all I was after. Things changed so quickly after that though, and now I’m scared that Ty will think I was lying to him about my intentions with Bear.
*SIGH*
I’m sort of upset about my financial situation at the moment. I was so sick that I missed almost a month’s work... and used up all my savings in the process. I got my credit card bills and almost died. my credit cards are strictly for school expenses, and I’ve been pretty good at at least paying my minimum, because I know that I’m going to pay them down fairly quickly once I start working again. so I haven’t been worried up til now. if I can’t pay my minimum, then my phone bill doesn’t get paid.. if my phone bill doesn’t get paid it gets cut off... if my phone gets cut off... I don’t get to talk to Bear anymore... that’s what this comes down to. I don’t care about debt... it’ll go away and I can pay it off... but I need to be able to talk to Bear.
I look into his eyes and I can actually see a future with him. I have never felt so close to someone so quickly... and I have never felt so strongly about someone in my life.
He has amazing eyes... and long eyelashes that I wish I had ; the cutest dimples EVER... I like just playing with his hair... I couldn’t help but hug him while I was laying with him on my couch. I loved the feeling of wrapping my arms around him and just cuddling. I love that he didn’t try to rush me.. I love that he loves to cuddle too. I love that he’s ok with JUST cuddling... even if it doesn’t lead to something. I love that he watched my favourite movie with me and actually liked it! I love his tummy... even though he made it sound like it wasn’t perfect *pokes his tummy*. I love his sense of humour... cause it’s so much like mine. I love his smile.. and how his eyes seem to light up when he looks into mine. I love that he walks at a completely different pace than me because otherwise I’d have nothing to tease him about!
I love that my parents like him... it makes things so much simpler.
I love that he’s coming to see me on Thursday... and I love that it doesn’t scare me anymore how close we’ve gotten, so quickly. it doesn’t scare me at all actually. I’m letting myself fall and loving how free it feels.
I told him the songs that make me think of him.. there are more. I should write a list.
I love him... so much. *holds him tight* I can’t wait to see where this goes
I was thinking that maybe, instead of writing letters to Bear, I’ll just blog here... it’s pretty much the same thoughts, and I can take notes efficiently while I blog..whereas I can’t when I’m writing on paper.
so, about Bear.. I met him on Friday for our date (I LOVE that he considers cuddling on the couch and watching a movie, a date). it was amazing... I had a hard time believing he was actually there, and when it finally felt real.. he was going to be leaving soon. I wish I had more time with him.. like... all my time.
I have never felt like something was so ... right! before. usually when getting into any sort of relationship, hell, even friendship. I have to sit around and think about all the things I have to give up for that person. this time, I don’t care. I honestly don’t care what I have to give up for him... I’d give up anything for him.
I’m dreading telling Ty that I’m actually dating him... I don’t want to lose the friendship.. I’m scared to death to lose the friendship... he’s been part of my life for so long... but he’s never really (really!) seen me with someone else. I’m just very very scared. I mean... I don’t think that’s what will happen. Ty will be able to accept it... although it may be difficult. I mean, we broke up a long time ago, and now he’s still claiming some sort of power over my life. The ONLY reason that I don’t want to just flat out tell him, is because I know for a fact that he’s going to bring up the trip to London... he did drive me there to pick Bear up, but honestly, it wasn’t my intention at that time to get together with him. I liked him.. but friendship was all I was after. Things changed so quickly after that though, and now I’m scared that Ty will think I was lying to him about my intentions with Bear.
*SIGH*
I’m sort of upset about my financial situation at the moment. I was so sick that I missed almost a month’s work... and used up all my savings in the process. I got my credit card bills and almost died. my credit cards are strictly for school expenses, and I’ve been pretty good at at least paying my minimum, because I know that I’m going to pay them down fairly quickly once I start working again. so I haven’t been worried up til now. if I can’t pay my minimum, then my phone bill doesn’t get paid.. if my phone bill doesn’t get paid it gets cut off... if my phone gets cut off... I don’t get to talk to Bear anymore... that’s what this comes down to. I don’t care about debt... it’ll go away and I can pay it off... but I need to be able to talk to Bear.
I look into his eyes and I can actually see a future with him. I have never felt so close to someone so quickly... and I have never felt so strongly about someone in my life.
He has amazing eyes... and long eyelashes that I wish I had ; the cutest dimples EVER... I like just playing with his hair... I couldn’t help but hug him while I was laying with him on my couch. I loved the feeling of wrapping my arms around him and just cuddling. I love that he didn’t try to rush me.. I love that he loves to cuddle too. I love that he’s ok with JUST cuddling... even if it doesn’t lead to something. I love that he watched my favourite movie with me and actually liked it! I love his tummy... even though he made it sound like it wasn’t perfect *pokes his tummy*. I love his sense of humour... cause it’s so much like mine. I love his smile.. and how his eyes seem to light up when he looks into mine. I love that he walks at a completely different pace than me because otherwise I’d have nothing to tease him about!
I love that my parents like him... it makes things so much simpler.
I love that he’s coming to see me on Thursday... and I love that it doesn’t scare me anymore how close we’ve gotten, so quickly. it doesn’t scare me at all actually. I’m letting myself fall and loving how free it feels.
I told him the songs that make me think of him.. there are more. I should write a list.
I love him... so much. *holds him tight* I can’t wait to see where this goes
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Fate
I've always believed somewhat in fate. Lately, however, I have begun to actually think about fate in a bigger sense. I always just sort of envisioned my future as being my dream... with a guy in it. Whoever he was.. he didn't have a name or face.. he was practically interchangeable with any other man who happened to walk into my life at whatever point it was that I was supposed to get married.
lately, I just can't help but think that that was simply because I hadn't met him yet. now I picture my life somewhat differently.
A more in depth look at fate... fate is the path that you take, or that is chosen for you at birth, or before. Fate is not something that can be changed, no matter how hard you try.
I believe in fate slightly differently. I believe that we DO have the option to change our fate. I believe that things happen for a reason.. that some cosmic force tries to guide us in a certain direction but at the same time, our own free will conflicts, and often we set a different paths for ourselves... leaving those poor cosmic forces to sort our shit out again.. and work on plan B.
Whatever those cosmic forces are.. I think they're at work with me lately. Normally, I would just hide. I would assume that this is all meant to hurt me again.. and I would run. but it's so different! everything up until I got self conscious was different.. I can joke.. I can talk with ease... I don't stutter like a moron.. I'm not nearly as nervous as I thought I might be. Cryptic much? sorry.
He spent money on me... which actually distresses me quite a bit *starts saving pennies* and not just buying me a drink or something... actual money.
I guess you only see money as a really big deal when you truly have none. I don't like that he did.. and moreso I don't like that I let him *sigh*
I like that we talk about/through things. I tell him how I feel, he tells me how he feels.. we talk about it... we get along really well. we have practically the same sense of humour. he's active.. I'm not. He's not a smoker.. I am... but I'm trying! he's got money.. I don't. three things right there that could spell out doom for me. while everything else is great...ugh...
I need to lose weight (yes, I realize I've been bitching about this alot) I want to look good for him. He says I'm perfect... but I find that very hard to believe. I don't even know why, he seems sincere... maybe it's just tooo overwhelming? I have always hated my body.. and have always had issues with weight and my looks in general... and now he comes along and thinks I'm perfect? something is skewed there.
How many coincidences does it take to equal fate? I'm so comfortable with him that that scares me a little too. if I do let myself fall... *sigh* I can't even think about it.
risks! be bold! courageous.... >.<
lately, I just can't help but think that that was simply because I hadn't met him yet. now I picture my life somewhat differently.
A more in depth look at fate... fate is the path that you take, or that is chosen for you at birth, or before. Fate is not something that can be changed, no matter how hard you try.
I believe in fate slightly differently. I believe that we DO have the option to change our fate. I believe that things happen for a reason.. that some cosmic force tries to guide us in a certain direction but at the same time, our own free will conflicts, and often we set a different paths for ourselves... leaving those poor cosmic forces to sort our shit out again.. and work on plan B.
Whatever those cosmic forces are.. I think they're at work with me lately. Normally, I would just hide. I would assume that this is all meant to hurt me again.. and I would run. but it's so different! everything up until I got self conscious was different.. I can joke.. I can talk with ease... I don't stutter like a moron.. I'm not nearly as nervous as I thought I might be. Cryptic much? sorry.
He spent money on me... which actually distresses me quite a bit *starts saving pennies* and not just buying me a drink or something... actual money.
I guess you only see money as a really big deal when you truly have none. I don't like that he did.. and moreso I don't like that I let him *sigh*
I like that we talk about/through things. I tell him how I feel, he tells me how he feels.. we talk about it... we get along really well. we have practically the same sense of humour. he's active.. I'm not. He's not a smoker.. I am... but I'm trying! he's got money.. I don't. three things right there that could spell out doom for me. while everything else is great...ugh...
I need to lose weight (yes, I realize I've been bitching about this alot) I want to look good for him. He says I'm perfect... but I find that very hard to believe. I don't even know why, he seems sincere... maybe it's just tooo overwhelming? I have always hated my body.. and have always had issues with weight and my looks in general... and now he comes along and thinks I'm perfect? something is skewed there.
How many coincidences does it take to equal fate? I'm so comfortable with him that that scares me a little too. if I do let myself fall... *sigh* I can't even think about it.
risks! be bold! courageous.... >.<
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Life
My life is actually going pretty well right now. I'm in school, and doing well...although I've been distracted lately! *shakes fist*
I'm stressed out, because unlike the first two semesters which were alot of work.. this semester is ALOT OF WORK. there are tons of assignments, and group projects.... there are essays galore, and journal entries... observations... assessment projects.... creations.... activities.... ugh. It hasn't hit me quite yet just how much it is that I have to do... when it does I don't know what I'll do. Probably just curl into a ball and cry.
Meeting Bear on friday ... I can't wait! It's kinda strange. all I've ever wanted is the stupid fairytale... and I was beginning to think it would never happen... I think I'm getting that hope back though :o)
I'm stressed out, because unlike the first two semesters which were alot of work.. this semester is ALOT OF WORK. there are tons of assignments, and group projects.... there are essays galore, and journal entries... observations... assessment projects.... creations.... activities.... ugh. It hasn't hit me quite yet just how much it is that I have to do... when it does I don't know what I'll do. Probably just curl into a ball and cry.
Meeting Bear on friday ... I can't wait! It's kinda strange. all I've ever wanted is the stupid fairytale... and I was beginning to think it would never happen... I think I'm getting that hope back though :o)
Thursday, January 24, 2008
jackhammers
should be outlawed, and anyone using one at 730 in the morning should by lynched. I woke this morning to a very upset mum, and construction going on just outside my house. usually, I would be fine with it, but the fact that a construction person had to enter my home had my mum in a tizzy... which means that I of course, get shit on.
not only were they around the whole day, but the had the water off all day (yay for work and running water). I got home tonight, with a plan for the night which included a bath, so I sat down with my tea, and waited for my bath to run. once it was finished, I was shocked to find that the entire tub was filled with GREEN water. now, I'm sorry, but there is no way in hell that I'm going to dunk my naked body into a mass of green water. *shudder* I'd rather be dirty.
I don't actually want to be dirty, and right now I'm actually contemplating going to my sister's place to take a damn bath. my god I'm pissed.
not only were they around the whole day, but the had the water off all day (yay for work and running water). I got home tonight, with a plan for the night which included a bath, so I sat down with my tea, and waited for my bath to run. once it was finished, I was shocked to find that the entire tub was filled with GREEN water. now, I'm sorry, but there is no way in hell that I'm going to dunk my naked body into a mass of green water. *shudder* I'd rather be dirty.
I don't actually want to be dirty, and right now I'm actually contemplating going to my sister's place to take a damn bath. my god I'm pissed.
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