Monday, July 25, 2011

Trust..

"Don’t let anyone ever promise you that they won’t hurt you, because at one time or another, it will happen. the real promise is that the time you spend together will be worth the pain..."

So my husband has a friend. She happens to be female. He doesn't see her often, but on occasion he hangs out with her, to catch up. maybe twice a year...

so far, he has lied to me about this, twice..the first time, he didn't tell me, and his brother happened to mention it to me by accident that he had gone to hang out with her. I confronted him about it, and he admitted it. Saying that he didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset. I explained VERY clearly, that I was upset because he lied, not because he saw her. She's a friend, and I trusted him completely. I still trust that he would never cheat on me.

unfortunately, on thursday night, he told me was going to hang out with "the guys" and then I discovered a text from him to this same girl thanking her for dinner. I confronted him, and he got mad at me!

he said he was going to tell me, but thought that I would be mad. I reminded him of the promise he made..and the promise that I made to leave if he betrayed my trust again... and then I wrote him this letter.

A lie of omission is still a lie. It hurts just as much, whether you mean it to or not. If you weren't doing something wrong, you wouldn't have kept it from me.

To lie by omission is to remain silent and thereby withhold from someone else a vital piece (or pieces) of information. The silence is deceptive in that it gives a false impression to the person from whom the information was withheld. It subverts the truth; it is a way to manipulate someone into altering their behaviour to suit the desire of the person who intentionally withheld the vital information; and, most importantly, it's a gross violation of another person's right of self-determination.

Four times (three in the past year) you have lied to me about spending time with a woman. I have told you, on numerous occasions, and each time that I've caught you in a lie, that all I need is for you to be honest with me so that I can react accordingly, it is not up to you to decide what my reaction would be.

If you cannot be honest with me, then we will not work. Against my better judgement, I didn't leave today. Believe me, I wanted to, but I have more than just myself to worry about now.

You broke my heart. I need you to understand that and the gravity of it. I feel like you ripped the happy part out of my life and replaced it with pain, this can't be fixed overnight. I can forgive you.. again.. but I can't forget this. if you can't learn that this is unacceptable and you do it again, I will leave. I won't live with someone that I cannot trust, and I won't allow my child to be raised in a dishonest home.

From this point forward (and I have no idea for how long) I will not be okay with you spending time "with your friends", because they were used as an excuse for you to sneak off and see a woman. Friend or not, the fact that you weren't able to tell me, shows that you were being deceptive and for that reason alone, I am upset. This is not to say you can't hang out with them, but I expect honesty, and I will be honest about my feelings about it in return. You can have friends, you can have friends that are women, you cannot lie to me about them, ever.

Trust is earned, and each time I think I'm beginning to trust you again, and not worry each and every time you go out for the night, you betray my trust again, hurting me more deeply, and making it that much harder to trust you going forward. I never thought that you would hurt me like this, and now that you continue to do it, all I can do is plan for the next inevitable time, when I will be forced to leave.

I love you, with all of my heart, and although I wouldn't want to leave, I can't live worrying day to day about whether or not you're being honest with me. I won't allow my child to watch us live like that, letting her think that it's ok for a man to lie to his wife. I won't let her think that this type of disrespect is acceptable, because I never want her to feel this kind of pain.
I love you, which is why I'm still here. I want us to be happy together. If you're willing to try.



He read the letter and cried. He seemed completely remorseful and has promised that it won't happen again, ensuring me that if he wants to go and hang out with her, he will discuss it with me beforehand.

I have no idea what he could possibly do to regain my trust, and I'm pretty sure he will just have to be incredibly open and honest with me until I'm able to trust him fully again. right now.. it just hurts.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

ugh... heat...

so it's HOT.

I run a childcare centre, it's full of small people. Small loud people. over 60 small people who give off heat.

Today, it is 38 degrees out. THIRTY EIGHT. that's bloody hot. We weren't able to bring the kids outside because it was too hot, so they just ran around inside, creating more heat. oh, did I mention there is an issue with the air conditioning in the building I work in? no? well there is. as in, it's HOT!

I despise the heat, I hate to sweat, and I'm grumpy and feeling pretty crappy even without insane weather. I had to wear dress pants because I had an important meeting today too.. dress pants.. hot.. sweat.. ew.

Monday, July 18, 2011

21 weeks!

So I'm feeling a hell of a lot better about everything now that I went to see my doctor. I found out that we're having a ...

*drumroll*

GIRL!!! :)

the hubby says he won't believe it until she is in his arms... but he already started calling "it" "her"!

we also found out that she is healthy, and growing just as she should be. I keep losing weight, but the baby is healthy and right on track, so I'm not panicking anymore.

Also, the doppler that I ordered arrived today. www.tummytickles.com is awesome. Canada post was delayed by a day, but if it weren't for them, I would have gotten it in one business day. They shipped it out the evening that I ordered it :)

Today, the hubby and I got home after the appointment, and listened to the baby's heart beat... it's so awesome :)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

20 weeks...

I had an ultrasound today.
First, I had to have a full bladder, which I was prepared for... and then they made me wait over an hour in the waiting room.. I was not quite prepared for that. How do you prepare for that?

Once I went in (after being told that my husband could join us at the end of the appointment), I was told 8 seperate times, that I'm fat. I'm fully aware that I'm fat, I really don't need to be reminded that often.

I was told that my "padding" was the problem. That she had to push so hard because my "extra weight" was making it difficult for her. That some women's "pouch" is just a bit thicker than others, which is "nothing to be ashamed of" (I wasn't.. until now). I was told that "thicker" women sometimes don't have their children diagnosed with defects early enough because it is so hard to see a clear image. That sometimes, because they have to "push past the extra layers" that the image is sometimes too squished to show things correctly. and she repeated some of the above a few times.

Not only did she say all of this after laying me down and saying "this is a long scan, don't talk" but she then proceeded to huff and puff and sigh deeply every few seconds. She furrowed her brow repeatedly. I asked her if she could tell me anything and she said "no" no explanation.. just no. I said "can you at least tell me if the heart is beating.. or let me hear it?" (which I was allowed to do at the last ultrasound) and she again, said "no".. for clarification, I said "so you can't even tell me if my baby is alive?" "no. talk to your doctor for results"

thanks for nothing... oh wait.. no, thanks for making me think of every possible thing that could be wrong.. and dwell on it, for a fucking week until my doctor gets the results. I feel like dying.

Monday, July 4, 2011

19 weeks

So this past weekend was a long weekend. It didn't really feel like it though :o(

On thursday evening, we drove for three and a half hours (NOT FUN) over many a dirt/bumpy road, til we got to the hubby's friend's cottage. It was pretty, and right on a lake, and I did a lot of relaxing, which I really did need.

we came back saturday evening, adn then had to go to his families annual picnic.. it was hot, and we were there (barely walking distance to washrooms) for almost 8 hours. I love his family, but I think I can only handle anyone in fairly small doses lately. I get tired really easily, have so much trouble working up an appetite because for so long I've been so nauseous, that I'm not much fun. hopefully, I'll get over this whole sickness thing and be normal again sometime soon.

I felt the baby kick! It's was Tuesday June 26th, at 11:09 am. I had felt little movements (that could easily have been gas) before this, so I didn't count them, but this was a definite kick. It was so weird! and it didn't stop! I started getting teary, and everyone at work thought I was a bit strange, but I don't care.

Since then, it's at least once or twice a day that I feel a really strong kick. :) such a strange feeling, that I really wish I could explain to my husband.. or that he could share it at all. I can't wait til he can feel it too.