Wednesday, November 30, 2011

G6PD Deficiency

We had to take Des in for some blood testing, because after a week and a half, he was still quite yellow with Jaundice. One of the causes of prolonged neonatal jaundice, is a G6PD deficiency.

He tested deficient and so we have to confirm in about a month, because sometimes, the jaundice itself can cause a deficient reading.

Looking at the list of unsafe foods and drugs, it seems like it will be really difficult to avoid these things. At least with an allergy, it's fairly simple. I can't have peanuts.. you check labels and are careful.. and you're fine. but this? no ibuprofen, acetaminophen, or aspirin. no blue food colouring, peas, soy, peanuts, legumes and definitely no fava beans.. there are so many items to avoid, and I don't even know what most of them are, but they are additives and things.. so .. ugh. :o( I really hope he doesn't have this, because as diligent as I would be with what i would feed him, I would be nervous anytime he wasn't with me

Where do babies come from?

you'd think my husband would know, considering he watched our baby emerge.

the other night, we were discussing our son, and then my hubby mentioned "nut fish". I stared at him blankly and then he began explaining to our (thankfully only three week old and unable to understand) son how babies are made.

"so, in your nuts there are these fish. They just swim around until onnnnne day, you meet a mommy *whispers* she's not a mommy yet though, but she willlll be */end whisper* and your nut fish, swim into her baby store where there are lots of babies sleeping. and one lucky nut fish will go up and yell WAKE UP BABY! to one of the lucky babies and that baby will wake up and start growing into a person."

I let him know, gently, that I would be having the where babies come from talk with Des when the time comes.

Monday, November 28, 2011

thinking positively..

I've always given the hubby crap about how pessimistic he is. no matter the situation, he assumed the worst, and gets annoyed at the thought of the negative things that *could* happen.

example: we're driving along the street from our house
him: the highway is gonna be packed
me: it's sunday, there shouldn't be any traffic
him: there's always traffic, I hate this city
me: *looks around* there's no traffic honey.. the highway will be fine
him: there will be tons of traffic. we're going to be late

the conversation usually ends with me sighing loudly and saying "fine, we're going to be late"... we've never been late for anything, except for when I was in labour and we got stuck in traffic for over an hour.. but that was a bit of an extreme circumstance. It's frustrating for me, because I *have* to try to think positively, or I'll just curl up and cry all the time.

today, I'm alone with Des for the first time for a whole day.. add to that the fact that I've only had an hour and a half of sleep (Des was awake all night with horrible gas that made him scream) so I'm desperately trying to think positively.

annnnd he's awake again.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

uh oh.

the hubby goes back to work tomorrow. I'm having panic attacks just thinking about being alone all day... every day.. with Des. It's a terrifying thought, considering he gives Des the occasional bottle, and cuddles him often while he plays video games so that I can do laundry, cleaning, showering.. all that good stuff. What the hell am I going to do when it's just me? Des likes to be cuddled. He does not like to lay on his back... he's already a side sleeper, because he can roll that far on his own.. and so I'm incredibly nervous about him when he's sleeping, because I don't want him to roll too far or something and suffocate. this is going to be difficult for the next little while.

Once we move, we'll be able to set up the crib, which I will be much less panicked about because 1) i can see him through the sides of it and 2) the sides aren't solid and so he wouldn't be able to kill himself.

Also, once we move we'll have more space.. for everything. right now, I have that restless omg-the-walls-are-closing-in-on-me feeling due to the influx of baby stuff that takes up more room than we have. I packed up everything Des related that we won't need to use for at least the month, and put it in storage. Otherwise, I'm fairly sure that it would have toppled over and killed all of us in our sleep.

Hopefully, the next 21 days will go by quickly... I just want to have moved.. I still feel like we're not really set up to have Des home, which it's a bit too late for at this point.. so once we move, I can get things ready to have him home!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Breastfeeding woes..

breastfeeding is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world.. so why is it so difficult? I have a baby who won't latch properly, or when he does, he falls asleep and won't drink. Immediately at the hospital, they told me to give him formula in a bottle because he wasn't latching well. Rather than helping me, they chose to have me bottle feed him, and I did.. because I didn't know any better.

now I feel like hes just too lazy, so he doesn't latch as well as he needs to in order to get enough milk from me. Also, my milk supply is low.. which again.. if breastfeeding is so natural... why is that even possible.

every time he cries, i just get angry, or upset.. because every time, it's a struggle, and i end up feeling inadequate. Really though.. I can't afford to formula feed him... and i definitely didn't budget for formula feeding.

I started taking fenugreek and blessed thistle like my doctor suggested, and my milk supply did increase... but he was already lazy and so I have clogged ducts. incredibly painful and I just want to cry, and give up.. but I don't. Every 1-2 hours, i feed him and then hand him off to get some formula to supplement and feel like crying.


I really hope this gets easier.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

priorities

So, with a baby in the house, everything has changed.

he's the big priority now, everything else comes second. The hubby hasn't complained that he's having to do more chores and spend a lot of money (he .. hates.. spending money). He's been pretty understanding, or at least he's trying to understand what's going on with my body, and has been trying to help out as much as he can. The breastfeeding is a huge source of anxiety with me, and he's been researching to see what might help, and then helping me do things. (trying to keep me relaxed with massage, making me tea, etc) he's an awesome daddy.. and I'm so proud of him.

Des and I have been home alone this evening. Hubby went to a concert (his brother is in a band), that he had planned to go to since forever ago. It gave me a chance to see how I would feel alone here with Des. at first, I felt like I was drowning. I was scared to go to the washroom, because then no one would be with Des. I realize that it's a bit irrational, but it's just a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't really shake.

Now, I feel like I have a bit more of a handle on things. I've been wandering around with Des, taking pictures of him. He's so cute.. and when he smiles, I get all teary.

so, something that I didn't tell anyone about when I was in labour, which is why I was so panicked that something was terribly wrong. the night before i had Des, I had a horrible dream. It was incredibly vivid, and when I woke up I was pretty hysterical. The hubby had to actually wake up and take some time to talk to me to calm me down.

The dream was that I went into labor and the hubby wasn't around, so I ended up trying to take transit to the hospital. When I got there, my sister and mum had called and left a message at maternity that they wouldn't be able to make it, but good luck and the hubby was at work and wouldn't be able to leave for a few hours. So I was at the hospital, in labor and alone, and then after a bunch of pushing.. the baby was stillborn.

I was terrified. I couldn't get the image out of my head the whole time that I was actually in labor, and every time they whispered about something, my whole body would go cold and I would think that my dream was going to come true.

When we got home with Des, I locked myself in the washroom and sobbed for about half an hour.. I was so relieved, and scared, and hormonal, and exhausted. After that, I was okay mostly. it took a couple of days for me to get over that cold feeling, and I think that that's a big part of why I get so nervous when he's asleep..

He's just so perfect.

Friday, November 18, 2011

breastfeeding...

so Des doesn't latch very well, and my milk supply is low. both of these things make feedin incredibly frustrating for the both of us. I end up in tears and he just screams until we get him some formula. I feel like an absolute failure.

I'm trying to feed him at least every two hours, and following all of the advice that I've been given regarding increasing my milk supply.. but nothing seems to be working.

In the hospital, when I was asking when we would be able to go home, I was told that the criteria for discharge included a successful latch, twice. I argued, and explained that I don't understand how that's possible. Some women don't want to breastfeed at all, some want to pump and bottle feed breastmilk, some women aren't physically able for whatever reason.. who the fuck has the right to judge any of those decisions? certainly not the bloody hospital. I was so upset, because I already felt like I"m a horrible mum, and then she said "we need to make sure the child will be fed" I was livid. I wanted to punch her in the face.. but I didn't, because that would likely get the police involved.. and I just really wanted to go home! I told her, firmly... not rudely.. that he had bottle fed formule four times, 1 oz each time in the past 14 hours, he had been satisfied with that amount and had had two bowel movements and two wet diapers in that time. He was definitely getting the nutrition he required.. she said she would discuss the situation with the chief nurse and get back to me. 18 hours later, we were discharged.

I will likely not be going back to that hospital with the next one. I felt disregarded.. and intimmidated by people with very obvious biases about certain things.
I suffer from depression and decided with my doctor that I would continue with my very low dose of anti-anxiety medication throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding, as a depressed mum will likely have far more issues. There was one nurse who told me that Des was twitching because he was "looking for your [my] medicine" .. this was after I heard her discussing my "case" with someone in the hall outside my room and saying "the kid has the shakes why would she want to leave?"

i left very upset and feeling like I was doing all the wrong things. I hadn't slept in a VERY long time, because the family that we were sharing a room with were incredibly loud and would not stop playing music all through the night. I feel slightly better now that I have him home and I feel like I'm capable of keeping him alive.. but still feel like I was treated like I don't know what I'm doing, when no one bothered to ask if I have any experience with children, or .. well.. anything really. They treated me as though I knew nothing, and argued with just about everything I said, yet they knew nothing about me and didn't bother to determine whether I knew anything before treating me like that.

oh well, I won't be going back, so that's fine.. I just hope that they don't treat everyone like that, and maybe I just got every nurse that was in a bad mood that day.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I have a baby!

So I decided to re-read my last post, and it's kind of funny, because when I wrote that, I was actually about to go into labour, and was already having mild contractions.

My son was born on 11.11.11 under a full moon, at 1:32 in the morning, but let's start from the beginning shall we?

I had scheduled another ultrasound in order to determine his position and size for Thursday afternoon at 2 pm. All morning, I was cleaning, and feeling sort of off. I had slept better than I had in months.. I think I actually got a full five hours of UNINTERRUPTED sleep. that is inconceivable for me, even before I got pregnant, so I was feeling a bit elated.

I was getting ready to go to the appointment with my husband (he'd taken the day off in order to go with me), when I bent down to put on my socks. I felt a weird sort of *pop* in my belly, but didn't think much of it other than noting the time of the weird feeling. 1:32 pm. then I started leaking fluid.. *sigh* I thought I was just peeing myself again! yay pregnancy! so I slapped on a pad and finished getting ready. My husband started grabbing random items "just in case" we had to go to the hospital, including the bag I had packed for the baby.. I didn't have anything packed for me yet.

in the car, we got stuck in traffic. for over an hour! I was starving, but wasn't going to be able to get food because of the traffic.. I didn't want to be late for the ultrasound. All the while, I was getting weird sort of indegestion-y pains. Ugh.. mixed in with those pains, were what felt like menstrual cramps. I'm no stranger to them, and ignored those as well.

at 1:47 I had a definite contraction. I had always wondered, how will I know if it's a contraction? well, it didn't feel like anything that I had felt before. It was a strange pulling sensation, surrounded by a bit of discomfort, wrapped in a light coating of pain.. that lasted a definite amount of time. I wrote that down.

12 minutes later, there was another, and 10 minutes later, another! hrm, this isn't good.. we're stuck in traffic.

I was still determined to go to the ultrasound appointment. After all, I wasn't *absolutely sure* that I was in labor, and who better to tell me than the ultrasound place?

just as we were getting to the clinic, I had a contraction, only 6 minutes after the one before it, and decided that I really should call my doctor. She said go immediately to the hospital. Don't stop for the ultrasound, just get there.

we got to the hospital, and spent ten minutes trying to pay for parking, then went into maternity. We went to the triage counter, and while I winced and cried behind a woman that was there for a scheduled c-section, my husband paced and looked anxious.

once I got into an "early labour lounge", I realized that yes, my water had most definitely broken, because one of my legs was soaked to my socks, and the pad that I had slapped on before leaving, wass completely saturated with clear fluid. I remembered that smell from my sister's labours, and that was when I began panicking.

A doctor came in to examine me (I was already hooked up to a fetal monitor)and told me that I was 4 cm dilated, 90% effaced, and asked me how long between contractions and how bad were they? I told her they were about 12 minutes apart and that I really really really really realllllly wanted an epidural. Then I had a contraction and almost screamed. She looked at me sort of funny and pointed out on the monitor that my contractions were actually 2 minutes apart, but most of them were bearable.

2 minutes?! holy crap. She told me I was heading for a birthing room and got a nurse to go get a wheelchair. That's when my sister got there. I remember bursting into tears, but not much else. I just wanted to eat something damnit, I was starving! but no luck, I wasn't going to be able to eat anything until after the delivery, but they'd put me on IV fluids... bah.

I fell in love with the epidural man when he arrived, because at that point, the contractions were making me feel as though I was being ripped in half.

epidurals are lovely things. Lovely magnificent things.

after a long while of not all that much excitement, my nurse suggested some pushing. 12:00 to 1:32 I pushed, and at 1:32 am he was born. exactly, to the minute, 12 hrs after my water broke.

The whole thing was terrifying, and I would definitely have a midwife for another pregnancy as I didn't really feel as though the doctors were there for me. He was born at a teaching hospital, and so the doctor had a resident with her, and was mumbling softly to her mostly, rather than answering any questions that I had.

His name is Des, and he's perfect. He does have a penis, which wasn't expected, but watching him pee on his daddy is just too hilarious, and so I forgive him for being a boy.

I'll write more about my hospital stay after I spend a bit of time staring into his eyes :o)

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Week 37...

So I'm not full term. Baby could come any day now.. or at least that's what everyone keeps saying.

Last night, I slept for about an hour, split up into ten minute intervals. I woke up so many times, and each time was from a different ache or cramp or pain. This is the second night that this has happened, and I'm really ready for it to stop.

between having to go to the washroom constantly and the pain.. that would be enough, but I have gestational diabetes (came about very late in my pregnancy) and it's too close to my due date to get to speak to a specialist about it, so I just need to be careful with what I eat.

Last time I went to the doctor, we couldn't determine what position the baby was in, they *think* it was head down, but couldn't be sure so I need to go for yet another ultrasound on Thursday. maybe we'll get a two out of three on the gender, but I still won't be painting anything until the baby is born

oh, right, and my blood pressure is borderline hypertensive. Yay.

I just want to have this baby and be done with the pregnancy. I desperately need whatever chemicals they are that get released in a mother's brain to make her forget just how horrible her pregnancy is...